spoiled chinese girl

I know that I want my life to be organized and neat and tidy and overall just the regular life that every normal person would want to have. Instead I have filled my life with clutter and other nonessential items that would make any life more complicated. My online life is just as complicated as my offline and most of the time there is no distinguishing between the two. There are things all over and I can’t get rid of any of it and its driving me insane that there’s so much stuff I can see I don’t need and that I don’t have to keep and I still can’t let it go. What if it was something I needed in a few hours, in a few days, in a few years? I’ll be kicking myself then for getting rid of it. But even worse is the things that aren’t useful, but could be for memory’s sake. Photographs. There’s tons of them, and every time I keep getting rid of them and throwing them out when I’m done remembering a particular person or place. That can’t be good, I have no past, and no present. Just a future that I can hardly look forward to because of everything that’s going on right now. Everyone has something to look forward to but me, because everyone else knows what they want, or at least has a better idea of what they want when I don’t have such a luxury. There isn’t anything I could do that I couldn’t do somewhere else but I can’t leave because my life is rooted here and there isn’t a lot I can do about correcting the situation. There’s too many years between now and ultimate freedom and I can’t stand to think of how I would be able to get into something I really want considering I still don’t know what it is I want. I love the life through a lense but I can’t do it for a living, there’s a lot of things I like but I can’t do any of them for real. I’m not good at stuff like that. The stuff I am good at, or at least even half decent at, isn’t going to work. I can’t find something I love and figure out how to get paid for it. The most I can do is try to be as small a failure as possible. Because that’s all I can really look forward to. Being less misearble. Not being happy.

What are you doing?
Realizing that my life is quickly wasting away as I go insane from the stress and pressure of work. I have no life anymore. I wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed. And I’ve just realized that I’ve had this blog for almost a year, if not over a year.

What do you feel?
I feel a sense of confusion. I don’t know what I want in life, there’s no loose structure like there was in college/university, but a more rigid and less forgiving structure of the working world. I don’t look forward to the next 40 years.

What do you want?
I want someone to be a constant in my life, that wants me to be a constant in theirs. I have too many people I can drift in and out of their lives. I want stability in a relationship with someone else.

What do you avoid?
I avoid uncertainty, and I avoid the unknown. I need everything to be just how I left it, and that I know excatly what is going on.

What do you expect?
I expect a mental breakdown within 24 months, and to slowly go insane. I’m expecting that this will happen sooner because I still haven’t had time to relax. Not properly relax. Nothing’s relaxing anymore.

What are you doing?
Realizing I don’t think about myself nearly enough. That my future is flashing by me quickly.

What do you feel?
A strong sense of apathy, missing the time my life meant something.

What do you want?
Other than “someone to be with”, just mainly a sense of balance.

What do you avoid?
Confrontation, feelings and myself.

What do you expect?
This won’t last forever, and when it is done, we’ll be left with cockroaches and Cher

What are you doing?
thinking about how decisions aren’t always life-changing, and that mistakes can be rectified

What do you feel?
tired & confused

What do you want?
the next 10 years

What do you avoid?
confrontation

What do you expect?
to retain only a part of my sanity