Two minds about doing this here, and now…
Two minds about doing this here, and now…
One, I need to blog about it somewhere, and this is the only logical place to write about my feelings. I’m a part of this whole blogging, facebooking, twittering generation and there really is no other outlet that would be able to give me closure.
Two, it’s public. And he’s on my face book, and my twitter, and… will probably end up reading this. Hey.
Whatever, it’s my blog. I’ll throw the rest of it behind a click-thru, you can read it if you want, or ignore it if you want. Knowing most people’s curiosity will get the best of them, there probably isn’t a point for the extra barrier, but it’s fair warning.
So… for anyone who knows me, you’ll know I can get wordy. I’ll try to save you some time.
TL;DR – At first he moved too quickly, in the end I moved too slow. Neither of us knew how to put into words how we really felt, and at it’s boiling point, it was all too late.
Can I do one more click through? (I’ve never tried this before) You’re really sure you want to keep reading?
Start at the beginning?
We first met up, everything was cool, casual, generally fun. A lot of going out for wings, and the high probability of debating over a variety of geeky topics. It made me giggle when he expressed his amazement that I was generally able to keep up with him, whether it be geek conversations… or consumption of wings.
Three weeks after we met, he was setting up a weekend getaway vacation for the two of us for my birthday. And that made me… panic. My mind was screaming at me “Too soon! Too soon!!!” We go, had an awesome time, but it felt… rushed. Around the same time, he started pushing for a relationship status. I wasn’t ready. I slapped an “It’s complicated” label on our relationship as my best attempt at compromising, and figured it’d give me time to figure out what I wanted. That left everything open, but in hindsight gave the wrong impression.
Little while later… I wanted. Officially. When? Hard to really say. Gave him a valentines day card, expecting that to spark up a conversation for a “next step.” Got a weird look instead. Confused, I backed off, tried to re-think. Basically became a game of couldn’t figure out how to tell him, while already having made that switch to “girlfriend” in my head, hoping maybe he’d pick up on it. Didn’t happen. Decided 100% it was what I wanted… around when I was leaving for Dallas.
Thought about making a switch on facebook the day I was leaving for Dallas, sort of the “Let him think about it while I’m away”. No good. April 1st. I didn’t want to imply that I thought it was a joke, it wasn’t. While in Dallas? Didn’t want to converse over MSN over something like this, avoided the idea. Coming back from Dallas? Post Suspension Depression. The event was a lot more stressful than I would have wanted a vacation, and that rattled my brain more than I’d have liked and I needed time… all over again.
He started acting less of himself. More quiet, upset over situations he couldn’t control, rethinking and (over)analyzing things that happened months, years, a life-time ago, getting down on the down sides of life. No longer felt like the right time to bring up such a topic. I wanted him happy first in his life, then happy with me, not to use a relationship status as a crutch for personal issues. So I started pushing… for something, anything. To open up to me and let me help him figure out what was bothering him, or just to get it off his chest so it no longer felt so doom & gloom. To go to the gym more to work out some frustration, increase endorphins, increase serotonin, feel better mentally & physically. To go shooting (photographs) and create something to be proud of, to feel better about being able to create.
Apparently I was laying on the cuddley kissy “girlfriend” type stuff pretty thick by now. Probably true, partially because I thought of myself that way, partially because I wanted him to know I was there for him & I wasn’t going to go away. But instead, it freaked him out, because of the wrong impression from months earlier about what “It’s complicated” meant to each of us. So he started to try & push me away, or started pulling himself away, and I entered chase mode where I was trying to keep up, and make things right.
Which leads to last week. Where he couldn’t take it anymore. Finally tried to sit down & talk, knowing it wasn’t going to lead anywhere particularly good. It didn’t. I spent the past week in a PMS-infused state of panic, because I know I messed up. Got the balls to message him last night for a confirmation. Confirmed.
There’s some definite important factors I’ve omitted, but the nature of that topic isn’t something that would be welcome to be shared publicly.
And here I blog. Because still at the end of the day, this is who I am.
Catharsis. I has it.
