spoiled chinese girl

I need to stop drinking.
I need to clear my head.
I need to figure out what the f*** is going on.

I don't want to be here anymore.
I don't want to be me anymore.

F***.

Another All Grrl suscon has come and gone. Another bleed-out station manned. I also got started in on learning new stuff which is always exciting. I just got home now. And all I know is that gas is 99.9 cents a litre, and 20 litres is exactly half my tank. And when my tank is full in my normal course of driving it will take me just about 500km. I wonder what the math is on that. Yes I'm chinese, no I can't think of it right now. (Edit: 40 litres = 500 km. 1 litre = 12.5km. 1 gallon = 47.25 km. 1 gallon = 29.359 miles.) But I noticed that while it's impossible to explain in words, the atmosphere at the suscon was just something I only experienced once the year before. And I do things I don't normally do, not for any reason other than it doesn't feel right anywhere else but here. I talk differently, I act differently and I think differently. And it's not something consious, I don't actively change my behavioural patterns because I'm surrounded by females and void of males. It's all subconsious and it's all subliminal. Or something. My apologies, in the past 3 days I've slept 8 hours if I'm lucky and can still count properly. It was amazing. Jill and Rachel rock much socks. As did everyone else. I didn't know my car could hold so much stuff. It was about 3 inches lower to the ground and I couldn't see but it wasn't that bad. Assembly lines work but no one knows why. And mom still owes me pizza.

Suscon today. Set up was mostly yesterday. Which was fine, the space is wicked and the people are great and super-fantastic. I was just tired from a week of work and slightly grumpy and not very helpful. Hopefully I'm more helpful today. What sucked was that the highway I normally take to go home was shut down and I didn't know. So I thought it was just the one exit, and circled around to try another one. That one was too so I got the idea the whole highway is shut down. So I circled around AGAIN to the side road that runs paralell…. to find *THAT* shut down as well. F***ing pissed me off. What is normally a 20 minute drive took me over an hour, as I had to drive down a very side road at like 40km/h because everyone's a f***ing slowass driver at 2am. Oh, and stupid drunk people need to be hit by cars more often. I was slowing down because I saw a group of people bolt out of a bar and into the middle of the road, but then they stopped. So I sped up so they wouldn't have to wait. Then *ONE* person decided to run right infront of my car. Catch me screeching to a halt about a quarter of a second after where she had just been, throwing my car into first gear to stop faster and honking my horn and braking all at the same time. And I'm a very uncoordinated person. Thankfully the other people with her started yelling at her for being stupid for doing that. Blood will show up on my paint job and I don't want to replace my front bumper. Then tomorrow I'm off to a friends house I haven't seen in over a week and we're just going to hang out and I will continually try to peer pressure him into unicycling, because I personally find it hilarious to have someone new to teach. And he wants to dye his hair so we might spend the day doing that as well. And Monday promises to have a bigass long day because they want to do something that I can't exactly take home (I could but it'd be difficult) and therefore will stay at work to do it. Overtime rules but not getting paid overtime sucks. Whatever, tis still money in my pocket, and I think with their system of vacation time for additional time worked is just fine by me. Payday was last Thursday but I put a cheque into my bank to end up taking out even more money than I put in to pay off my bills and/or expenses. This sucks but thankfully it's only once a month, and the other cheque I get pretty much covers the hole in my bank account. Being somewhat of an adult sucks. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when I move out on my own, because there will be at least one year where I will be paying off a car as well as rent/morgage. My new favourite pop song is Danial Powter's “Bad Day” because it's true. I want to dust off my piano just to learn how to play it. But I said the same thing about Vanessa Carlton's “Thousand Miles” and can I play that? No. I want to learn to play bass too, if anyone in Toronto wants to teach me, I can trade unicycle lessons. Bass or drums. Or guitar. I want to be a one-man band But if you're teaching me to play bass teach me to play with just my fingers, because apperently playing with a pick doesn't sound right, so I mind as well learn properly.

It hits in waves that continually crash over your body pulling you deeper into the darkness. Suddenly small mistakes or ommissions are massive failures. Suddenly every memory is nostaligic and hurtful and happy and sad and filled with “what if..” and “why couldn't i just…”. Suddenly it's pins and needles everywhere with every move. Suddenly you can't breathe to survive or see the hand infront of you or walk in a straight line.

Sometimes you wish you could just disapear without a trace. Sometimes you wish if you could close your eyes, and stop breathing long enough, everything will just go away. Sometimes you wish as hard as you can, and nothing happens. And it won't go away.

I accidently slept on my glasses two nights ago. Boourns.
I went to get them rebent into the proper shape last night. Yay me.
I go to take them off this morning, and the arm snapped. Fucking hell.