spoiled chinese girl

The questionaire of Marcel Proust (1871 – 1922)
“At the age of fourteen, Proust was given an English album 'Confessions: An album to record thoughts, feelings'. Seven years later Marcel Proust published this questionaire. In the literary salons in nineteenth century paris, this parlour game was a popular amusement.”

Welcoming myself back to the frontpage of IAM. For the past 3 or 4 months (since before the ** HITS ** tracker was put in place) I have been avoiding the main index page. There's really no reason to anymore, and I'm slowly weaning myself away from it. For now anyways. The last 3 months have been quite theurpudic for me on IAM, I was able to sneak and peek at everyone, talk all I wanted, and most of the unmentionable people whom disliked me for one reason or another, figured I dropped off the face of the planet (to the best of my knowledge)

So since this is probably a lot of people's first time back, let's start the talk. BME related events? I went to Shannon's B-day BBQ, it was fun. Nothing like watching someone's brother beat up an ATV then throw beer-bottles full of keroscene into a 20ft bonfire. I missed Fight Club. Next time. ID Party & Bowl-a-rama. It was cool considering I had a car full of people no matter where I went. People trust me to drive them, and continue to trust me, especally when, I have a car and they don't. It didn't take the place of the Kentucky IAM.Scary BBQ I should have gone to though. Next time. Phil's Winter Solstice this past saturday. I wrote about it one entry down. It was cool, how many other “cocktail” partys feature a bed of nails? Trembling in Tweed for New Years. I've got a room at Parkplace Motel in Tweed, up to 4 spots available, and either they're all full or I'm all alone. I even plan on sleeping in my car so that leaves the entire room open if anyone wants to join. Split the cost however many ways we need to.

Friends? I have some, they're different from 3 months ago though, some I've grown definately closer to, others have drifted far far away. While I still hope there is a future, it seems my “In under 8 months” routine is at it again, and I again lose the people I met just about 7-8 months ago, I'm used to it though. There's new people I'm learning to become friends with, and am convined that we seem to be stuck in the same boat of IAM personality problems, so kindrid spirits rarely ever fall apart so horribly, perhaps these people can at least stay friends.

Personal Life? I don't particularly have one and I don't mind. Less to talk about online, and less for people to talk about behind my back. I will continue to keep a low-profile on IAM, maybe because I've just grown accostumed to it, or maybe because it's no one's business but my own. And I don't have to share what I don't want to share. My personal life is personal, so I'll thank you to butt out. Although I will just generally state, I'm single, I'm horny, and d***it. I'm going to be in Tweed next week. Oh f***, I should make sure I have credit on my creditcard! And my digital camera has 40mb of memory in it now. I can take HQ/Low Res 130+ pictures, or LQ/Low res at about 530+ pictures. If leaderboards happen again, you'll be d***ed if I don't make the top 10!

School Life? Well nothing really to report. I had exams at the beginning of December, all surrounding my 20th b-day, so there wasn't much to celebrate. Just a few weeks ago I found out the two classes I didn't know if I'd pass or not, I got C-'s in both of them. Not exactly stellar but I don't need to worry about getting booted from Rye High. Which would be sad, all those new labs are so much fun! Tis all though, I no longer have a drive or passion for school. an am muddling my way through just to please others.

Mental State? A mess mostly. I've gotten into some pretty dark moments that other people who have also lost themselves noticed in my writing. People whom I havn't talked to in months, after 4-5 text messages notice something different in how I structure my sentances. I blame it on the weather, for as much as I love winter, I believe I'm in the boat of people whom get depressed during the first hit of winter. This must obviously be compounded by the fact of the whole stressful time of the Giftmas holiday, and my mother telling me that my piercings make her want to puke. Nothing better than “You better not tell your cousins you have your tongue pierced, and hide your big ugly ear holes!” To the point that there is no more existance, there is no life on earth. What's been done has been, and there is no changing the past, yet with those who do not see the light, the light they seek has been extinguished by their own hand, and it will be they who see the damage they have caused. That kind of shit is what I sink into, and it happens way too often now. No, I am not going to get checked out, for f***'s sake, there's enough proof that drugs are not always the answer, and I will not let them be my answer. I'm not sXe, not by a long shot, I don't care for the “lifestyle” or the “coolness factor” or the “clique-esque attitude” I don't drink anymore, I havn't since February of 2002. I never smoked except for once in grade 10, where I took one puff and gave it back (no I did not inhale) and I've never touched any drugs that wern't perscription. Now I even avoid perscription whenever possible.

That's again all about me. And it probabiy will get erased, because lately this is the person I am. The person I want to be, the person I know is me.

Not NOW but soon. It's probably about time I put away this charade and once again let the IAM world know that I exist. For the past 3-4 months I've been in hiding, mostly from not having my IAM link show up on the main page saying I've updated, and also from anyone who has me on their buddy list saying I've updated. Those people who have been coming to my page, only come because I told them to read something, or they know my personality and know that I've updated, or they blindly follow Glider's links no matter where they lead.

Hopefully by now, all the past drama from last summer and onwards has finished it self, and in the new year everything will be new and fresh like the snow that d*** well better be falling in Tweed. If not, back into hiding I go, because I'm slightly convinced that Shannon put the “don't put me on the main page” feature for both me and Raynutz. I will continue to keep to myself online, because there's too much shit that goes on I no longer want to be a part of. If I message you and you don't answer, that's fine by me. If you message and I don't answer, that d*** well better be fine by you too. This entire set of people I've grown to enjoy hanging around are too important to me to let one or two little f***ed up idoits try and ruin.

But if you've come back looking for the same person you met two years ago, you'll be sorely disapointed.

Onto other news, last night was Phil's little winter solstice get-together thingie. Rule the first. Never Ever EVER let me drive from toronto to anywhere in this ass-backwards country. I swear, I would have gotten there faster if I drove to markham, then drove down the other way! Rule the second. Dominion does not have good soy-sauce. Thankfully Phil liked the stuff I picked up, but for f***'s sake they need the REAL stuff!

I met up with mostly people I met before (mostly only 3-4 days before!) and my stalkee and this guy snackninja (Jordan) ((Edited since I found out he went and signed my forum. NOW I know who he is!)) Lotsa sittin' around doing jack all, eating up all the yummy pumpkin seeds. No one touched my chips or my mountain dew. Although I noticed the water went missing. Hmm. Dogs drinking out of an electronic water fountain. PluR leaving at the end of the night with a bed of nails. That was fun actucally. I must now go to his house and visit more often! And NOT get lost! Rule the third. When getting lost, forget calling and asking for help, just drive around in circles until you know where you're going. Rule the fourth, Russell Stovers Ass Cream isn't as bad as it sounds.

Pictures in the “Other” gallary of the ass cream, and me *NOT* wearing a BMEshirt, on a bed of nails. (I didn't want to get my nice celtic-ring hoodie all pokey with holes now did I??)

Dreamed what it would be like if you took your own life? Felt the drawing power from a bottle, and wish it were only true? Passing up meals and breathing space for the close comfort? It's good in it's own way i suppose. There's no reason to explain it, I f***ing work in a drugstore. If there was ever a time where I had access to enough drugs that's probably where I'd be. Given the fact there's also enough alcohol in as well, if all else fails there's always the toxic household cleaners that I'm sure I can figure out how to use.

But dreaming of it, not that it's scary, it's good. Always being able to go back to the dreams of yesterday, of last year, of two years, for 4 years worth of planning to have it blow in your face. Two years ago I shouldn't have existed, two years, 7 months and 8 days ago by now. Yes I keep track.

That amount of time ago, life had no purpose or meaning. It doesn't now either, but at least back then there was a goal. What goal is needed to keep the human body moving, if the spirit has left? Yes I realize I'll be pissing a whole lotta people off, but then again, what won't piss them off? You try to be nice and they get pissed, you try to ignore them and they get pisesed, you try to help, to get out of the way, to do as you're told, to do as you know best, it won't matter and it doesn't. But at least when it's ended, at least it'll be the last time anyone's pissed at me. About time too. I was starting to get sick of it.

So I wake up at 6am because I'm just accustomed to it now. It's starting to piss me off. But I'm going to have to do it pretty much all next week, I mind as well enjoy it while I can. I'm driving downtown to my job & park. I rub bumpers with one of the 2 cars that don't know how to park (Both decided to park exactly ON The line of the parking space, making my spot REALLY small and it was the only one left) I just left it, figuring I'll leave a note when I get back, or thinking they left one for me. Nothing. *Shrug* They probably didn't notice then. Not that I care. My dad says he couldn't even find it. *oops*

Other than that, I have figured out how to make my custom the way I want (hopefully you see it too, without gaps between the top bar and the two outside bars, msg me if it's different for you) And I try to thank shannon for turning custom mode on. Operative word: TRY. Anyways. I promised a few people at work I would pierce my new puppy an eyebrow ring. He's stuffed incase you're wondering. (I very oppose those who pierce their animals, or young children). Now there's nothing else in my life but plans for tattoo work, a new piercing, commuting to Toronto to work (but at least a mod-friendly job) and in a few weeks, Tweed!

One last thing, I thought my latest editorial would have been denied because of the beginning few paragraphs. Go figure, it got featured. It's in my list down at the bottom left. It *should* jump immediately. It's picky and sometimes it won't listen to me. *Shrug*

(December 13, 2002)
So today was my last exam, and I don't think I passed it, but I don't think I needed a pass to finish the class, my paper that i pumped out in about 2 hours, using this dinky little article instead of a full fledged book, got me a 10 out of 20 so that wasn't too bad for 2 hours of pumping. I feel bad for my friend who never bothered to hand in a paper. He's flunked for sure unless by some miricle he gets a 85% on the exam.

I've also been working like a f***ing ass. Tues-Wed-Thurs, Sat, then probably all next week at Pharmaplus. But I have a job, and I will be getting paid December 24th, ain't that a kick in the teeth. I have a maxed out credit card thanks to BMEshop and it seems everyone I bought scrapbooks for, has received them but me. Go figure.

Cleaning my room was placed on hiatus while I figured out custom layout if it killed me. As you can see, I basically just stole Shannon's and tweeked stuff around. But the cleaning shall commence, and I will get another load of garbage out. That is, if I'm not beat after travelling 90 minutes, working 7.5 hours, then travelling 90 minutes every single day. I may be getting a new piercing in the next few weeks, hopefully before Trembling in Tweed.

I've realized now just how stupid I sound in these entries. No wonder I decided to not show myself on the mainpage anymore. This phase may change in the new year, but for the next two weeks, this is my life. Work. Sleep. Family that doesn't get along.